Tonight, I was in the bathroom at this time , someone banged on the front door (I could also use the word knocked, but I think the word banged fits better)
I turned off the shower and listened.
As I heard Sam´s voice I turned the shower on because I was just since two minutes in the bath .
I hoped that Sam would stay in the living room but how should it be ???
He banged on the bathroom door.
I said that I will come out in 10 minutes but it seemed that it was very important for him to speak with me now and not in ten minutes.
And now I know why: he was afraid that he would lose touch with Roof in 15 years or so because he read something about that stuff in the I-net.
And the ironic was, that I missunderstood him and the end of the row was, that I wanted to forbid him the contact with Roof .
But after that, he explained me and my mum everything and asked how over 80% of the fathers could loses the touch with their kids.
And mum explained that the lost of touch depends on rows like this ones we had.
But I don´t think that he would lose the touch with Roof because he loves him and he loves me ( not as much as a boyfriend would love me but in his special way, he also loves me) and he doesn´t want to be like his own dad.

Because of a cold......

Yesterday, Sam's father went over for something like a father-son day but I think that Sam didn't want to come with his dad.
They took Roof and went into a restaurant.
The whole day when the two were away, I had a very bad feeling.
I don't know why, maybe a mother intuition. But I just can say that it was right.
After the two returned, Sam and I had our second big row because Sam AND his father didn't thought about the dangerousness of a baby basket at the back seat of a car.
I had not ever seen a father, who is so unresponsible like Sams dad.
Both of them are just two blokes who didn't care about anything than themselves.Not even for a baby.
I think that all the rows were not many little rows,no they were just one big row.
Now you may ask why I think in this way because it were just two rows....but theres the fault it weren't just two rows there were all in all four rows or if you see it like me one big row which includes four smaller ones.
Its like Sam and me had waited all the time just for the rows, we thought that we were happy together but if we were true, inside of us we have known all the time that something like this would happened someday.
And I have also known that Sam would not stay forever at our house.
I was pretty sure that he will move out one day but I hadn't known that he will move out because of a cold.
He said that he will come back after his cold.
My parents and his mother believed it.
I didn't.

Jason Bloody Gerson

"You do love me Sam, don't you?"
"Yeah of course!"
How you might have guessed I was the person who asked the question and Sam was the one who answered, last night.
This was the main reason why I slept much more better than all nights before.
But in the afternoon Sam hadn't said anything like that.
As he arrived at home after college he said something about Jason Gerson and that Roof isn't his kid, and he said definitely nothing like: I love you or so .
But let us start with the beginning:
Roof woke up for two times this night.The first time, I got out of the bed and fed him. The second time Sam had to go out for changing his nappy, and after he layed down I asked him the question you have already read.
Roof slept the rest of the night and Sam went to college in the morning.
When Sam was in college the day was quite normal: I went out for shopping with my mum and Rufus(we have bought him a little sweet fluffy sheep and he loves it!!! Since we have bought it, he nearly sleeps every night with it ♥), cleaned our room,cared about Roofie...
But as Sam arrived at home after school it wasn't very difficult to suggest that something was wrong with him. And so it was.First I asked him wheather college was ok, than he told me that he had a fight at college. Which surprised me at this moment very much, but after I heard what its all about I understood him.
But only the fight wasn't the reason why we had this row.No.
The reason was the boy who was kicked by Sam....
Jason Bloody Gerson!!!
My damn ex-boyfriend.
He told Sam that he is the father of our baby. And thats the reason for our row....
because Sam, this jerk ,believed everything.
That hurt me most. Sam can't told the truth last night because if he really loves me he should also trust me shouldn't he???
After we finished our row, I was crying and he looked disappointet and desperate.
I'm pretty sure that he looked disappointet because it wasn't the truth what Gerson had told him. I'm not sure why he looked desperate, maybe because of the same reasons.
Or maybe but just maybe because he hurt me so much.

Did you missunderstood the hint ???

The day after Roof was born I went home , the doctors said that everything was ok with roof and me, so I could leave the hospital.
Oh my little darling I am so happy that everything is and will be fine its famous how a baby can change your life so much. Its amazing!!!
In every single minute I want to be with him, want to jiggle, to feed or just looking at him.I am so proud of my baby. =)
I was a bit excited because, you know, I had not really thought of how it will be to live as a couple together.
As Sam arrived nearly everybody except of my Dad was in just one room and watched how I fed Roof .
I dont know why but it was all to much for me I wanted to be alone with my little family which includes Sam , Roof and me and nobody else .
But as I gave the hint that the others should leave the room nobody except of Marc understand , (or wanted to understand) the hint.
Sam explained it to them and then they left the room.
I was so excited that I said to Roof heres your little family just to hear how it sounds .
And my impression was not so bad I think for the first time it sounds of course strange but all in all very good .
Sometimes its bad that you can´t read the thoughts of each other, because I really wanted to know how Sam thought about all this.
But I am sure that I will know his oppinion about all this in the next few weeks......

Hello here I am,Rufus..... Whatever....

Yesterday,our Baby Rufus Jones was born.This day was the greatest and also incrediblest day I ever had.
You may ask why does he call Rufus Jones and not Rufus Burns and how was the birth???Good questions which I really would like to answer .So let us start with the beginning.
As my contractions started my mum phoned Sam's mum. After a while Sam arrived and as he entered the bathroom, were I was standing completely nacked, he looked like he had never seen me in his life before.
His eyes wents bigger and bigger and the colour of his face changed in about 20 seconds from deep red into white.
He had definitely no idea what to do as I told him about the eight minutes between the contractions.
And then, I´m really sorry that I lost myself so much, I called him many,many not very friendly names .
But don´t think to hard of me !!!
Like I had said I´m very sorry for this and you can´t imagine how scared I was.
No I wasn´t scared I definitely was on the way to go over the borderline between scared and panic.
I mean you don´t born a baby every day in your sparetime, do you ???
And if you feel like this you lost a bit control, and its also the fault of my hormones not just mines =)
Then we drove into the hospital with my mum.
Just to give you a quick look about how we feel at this moment :

Sam: -Looked like a new coloured white wall
-Do not say anithing
-Shivered the hole way with his foot

Mum: -If you believe it or not: RELAXED
but she must be a bit nervous because fist she drove to fast or to slow and again, to fast or to slow but she never reach the right speed

Me: -Scared!!!
-Afterwards Sam told me that I sounded like a donkey or anything, so you can imagine that the contractions were not very enjoyable

In the hospital I layed down in my bed and listened to mums CD.
Which was not so bad as it seemed first and if mum had not gave us this CD Roof wouldnt called Rufus, then he would have another stupid name like Bucky or so, but for this point later more .
I heard mums CD and then I fall asleep for a few hours.
And before I slept a bit I had not known that this would be my last right sleep for the next month because after I woke up, the contractions started again and I felt that it can not last for a long time when the baby decided to came out.
I deleted the birth part out of my brain I am really sorry but I can just remember a few parts, like that I continued with calling stupid names and that the nurse had to cut something, because Roof stuck.
But every part of me hurt and so I can´t say what the nurse had done .
But after this what ever cut, it all cames quickly ....
Roof was born and everyone was happy my mum cried the nurse smiled and I was laughing because at the moment when you see your baby which was nine month in your stomache you forget every pain, every problems and you are just happy.
This may sounds like things you say in movies, but its the truth.
After the birth I realized the music from mums CD the first time for hours and it was so beautiful and also the perfekt music for a birth that I asked my mum, what this music is.
She did not know the title of the song but she knew the singer: Rufus Wainwright
This was the reason why Rufus name is Rufus and not Bucky =O
But now to the point: Why Jones and not Burns ?
One hour after the birth Sams mum arrived .
As she finished with looking at Roof she discused the whole part of the second names with my mum.
You can imagine that Annie wanted that Roofs name is Jones and mum wanted that Roofs name is Burns .
I was the one who finished the whole thing .
I said that Roofs second name will be Jones and not Burns because I think its important to show that just if , you became a mother or a father with 16 it doesnt have to say anything about your personality or about how you can manage a baby .
And I think that all arguments of my mother for example that the baby should have the best possibilities, do not make any sense .
In my oppinion Sam and his mother managed the whole situation better than my family......

The simple word future....

Future....
What do you think about , if you hear this word?
Tomorrow, next week, next year maybe you automatically think about your coming life and everything what will happen: family,love,education,job and so on.
Its difficult I think.
The simple word Future isn´t as simple as it sounds, everybody has another perspective on it, other plans someone might don´t ever think about the future they just think about the present.
Which is definitely not false but if you are responsible for another life and not just for your own, you haven´t got another choice as thinking about the simple word future.
As we got back our GCSE´s my mum talked the whole day about how unfair a pregnancy is for girls and how easy it is for boys.Because my GCSE´s were really terrible and Sams were good.
My mum just ignored one important point all the time.....
Sam and me weren´t interested in our GCSE´s . But this fact doesn´t matters for my mum, its like you were talking to a wall ( and I think even that would be more interesting=))
Like I had said in the beginning Sam and I talked about our future:
He wants to go to a college and I want to take the year out and go on with studying when the baby is one year old.
After our talk about this, theres just one more thing to do for us :
Waiting.......

Complete 20 minutes....

This morning when I woke up, my nose felt like someone had put glue in it or anything else.I couldn´t breath anymore.My head was heavy and hurt with every move.
I wasn´t really pleased that I have a cold now, because I wanted to go with Roof to the doctor for his first jab.
So I phoned Sam for asking weather he could go for the jab with Roof.
I thought that this wouldn´t be to much for a father who is healthy and who has slept many more hours than me.
So I thought!!!
But Sam behaved like an idiot !!!
I am sorry but its just the truth .Ok like I have said in the beginning, my nose was closed and so I couldn´t speak very well. As I phoned Sam I said "its me " but it sounded like "its Bee".In a way that was really funny but after I had explained it to Sam and he hadn´t had although a clue what I was talking about it definitely wasn´t funny.....!
I was nerved and tired and my head hurt badly.....,and if I am honest I wasn´t in the right mood for laughing or explaining everything twice.
And this were also the reasons why I was a bit ( OK it was a little bit more than "a bit" but Sam really drive me nuts) rude to him.
The only thing why I did not explode was that Sam wanted to go with Roof to his jab.
As he came round for taking Roof ,I tried to be much more nicer to him.
For a while it also worked but then he said that he wanted to go with Roof to the Swings afterwards.
This was the point where I thought about the rules which said that you shouldn´t be aggressive ,
and that its really difficult to follow them sometimes.
But I mean: its ok....
Sometimes you also have a day when you feel weird and make everything false haven´t you???
Then he was away and I started to feel better.
At the moment when he closed the door,I thought : "Great ,two hours just for me "
HAHA!!!
It were two very,very short hours .
Complete 20 minutes isn´t that great ???

Just a little bit to much !?? Rubbish!!! Lets laugh again !!!

I´m really proud of my parents !!!
No , really!!! I don´t mean it in a sarcastic way.....I´m very serious.
First there was the day when my mum offered Sam to call her Andrea and not anymore Mrs.Burns. Sam looked like he was in the mood to say anything that my mum definitely don´t want to hear .
But then he smiled and said politely "Thank you Andrea ".
So everything was fine.
After my mum offered Sam to call her with her first name my Dad hadn´t got the opportunity as doing the same.
Both of them really try to make an effort with Sam but sometimes its a little bit to much .
E.g.Yesterday : Sam told us that he wants to study after school and that his grades are going to be better . Which was absolutely meant serious but my parents laughed and laughed and laughed.
Thats what I meant as I´ve said sometimes it´s a little bit to much.
At the same day as they had decided to laugh about the unfunniest thing in world they had also decided to ask where Sam and I were going to live with the baby .
Of course had we talked about this problem and we, that mean Sam and me, decided to live here in my house.
OK now its your turn to guess how the reaction from my parents was ....
RIGHT!!!!
They try to convince me that we were doing everything false but what am I saying they were not only trying to convince ME they also tried to convince Sam...
In their own way ...
Especially my mum ,she said that its terrible to share a bedroom with somebody. Which means with other words its terrible to share a bedroom with Dad.
I mean , what is she doing?
Does she wants to kick Sam, me and Dad out of her life ???

NCT-Classes .....Something Childbirth Something

If I would say everythings fine that wouldnt be the truth theres still the "Problem" with our baby and now I also can see that I am pregnant (Its funny if you look every morning into your mirror and you scared because of yourself because you expect to see a tall girl but now you see a tall girl with something like a ball under her t-shirt)but I still can say that everything is going to be better !!!!
Sam and I went to the hospital for an ultrasonic and thats one point where I definitely can say that everything is fine .
Our baby is a healthy boy and thats at the moment the most important thing.
Another point which wasn't actually not so good was the NCT-class where Sam and I went to.
On the one hand it was really funny to see how the other parents looked like as they saw us ,it was a mix between shame, mercy and pejorativity .
Oh I was so angry I really wanted to say ( with a voice from which everyone knows that you want to make fun of them HAHA ):"No ,no its all right you havent to be scared were just normal people like you. We came in peace(Sounds a bit like an alien film doesnt it =))
After this day I can say that I wanted to go to a NCT -class but never, never to this.
OK after this terrible aspect of the last time I have one ,which is really good ...
The relationship of Sam and me is going to be better ......
Isnt that great.....OH Im so happy .....
it is like I fall in love with Sam twice.
But now it even felt better.

A parental reaction......

After I hadnt heard anything from Sam(apart of his mailbox),I decided to go round for seeing him.
If I am honest I couldnt really remember the whole situation because my nervs flattered and I felt like everybody was doing things horrible slowly.
I remember that Sam opened the door and one thing that I never would forget was his expression on his face at this moment.
First he looked like he was waiting for every body else but definitely NOT for me .
Than his face get the colour of old cheese or milk or something else and it seemed like it was made of snow which melt away from one second to another.
After this I just remember that I cried very,very much it seemed like every single tear of my hole life want to get out at this day.
Of course I had also cried the days before very much but as I had said it to Sam , first it was harder but then it felt like someone had taken away a huge stone which had layn down in my stomache.
Afterwards we had a talk with our parents :
-my Dad explode
-my Mum always said that it was just Sams fault and that he hates my family and stuff like that( how I said I couldnt remember everything)
-and Sams Mum just started crying
This day was one of my hardest days I ever had in my life .
And the thing that hurt me most of all was that everybody, really everybody had tryed to convince me that I should kill my baby. Sorry. Our baby.

The only one who answered was his mailbox......

Where is Sam ???
Sam cant be found since this morning, his mobile doesnt work and I really dont know what to do ....
Im sure he knows the result of the pregnancy test although I hadnt the opportunity to tell him.
But is that the main reason why he went of???
Is he afraid of having a baby or does he just dont care about anything except of himself .
No,thats not Sam I'm sure that he would take care of me and the baby.
And what is if Sam didnt run away but having an accident or something else terrible happened to him which I dont want to think about .
Was I to unfair to Sam as I had said that he just take care of himself maybe he was kidnapped or he has pain at this moment .
And I had thought so terrible things about him.
This night I couldnt sleep.
I know that Sams mum will call the police if Sam doesnt appear until 3am.
So I decided at 2.30am to phone her.
I was pretty sure that she also couldnt sleep.
Ok, I try to replay the whole dialogue (No fear it wasnt a very long conversation)

Sams mum: Hello?Sam?
Me: no .....heres Alicia.
Sams mum: oh.....hi Alicia how can I help you?
Me: I just want to ask wheather Sam is at home ?
Sams mum: No, I havent heard anything new from him.
I phoned him for a million times but his mobile is off and the only one
who talks then to me is his mailbox.
And nobody seem to know where Sam is.......And you really dont have a clue???
Me: No sorry ....could you please call me wheather Sam comes home???
Sams mum: No problem darling, try to sleep a bit!Goodnight.
Me: Goodnight.

This was it.
I really tried to sleep but I couldnt .
My thoughts revolved just around our baby , Sam, our futur ,our parents and things like that.

A sick stomache or hopeless weird ???

Ok.Now its official !!!Sam definitely lost his mind !!!
I mean ,yes I know hes sometimes a bit strange but this sort of strangeness is NORMAL and the sort of strangeness from this night and this morning is NOT NORMAL !!!
He behave like hes a three year old boy who don´t know anything ,and I, I´m the mother who speak with a slow, calm voice to explain him everything.
But theres just one problem....
The time when he was three years old is 14 years over.
Now hes seventeen, goes to college and is also a father .
E.g. this morning as I said "Roof did well though" he looked like he had no idea about who I was talking about. What would you do if the father of your baby don´t know the name of his own son ....Poor Rufus!
I really hope these are just the results of his sick stomache and that he will feel much more better tomorrow.

The futur....?!: Get up the baby cry!!!

Oh my god........
This can´t be true...... this must be a horrible nightmare .......
I´m sitting here on my couch with my positive pregnancy test in my hand and the last tear on my face .
Yes you´ve heard right I´m pregnant !!!!
And the father is Sam, who left me alone with OUR problem .
It sounds a little bit stupid to call a baby a Problem but this is it, a Problem .
Sam and mine Problem and he, he left me alone.
He doesn´t want to know anything about me or OUR baby .
Oh my god .....How should I explain it to my mum and my Dad .........
they gonna to kill me .........
and what about sams mother how would she react .....
I´m definitely not ready to be a good mother not NOW.....to early
Do I wanna to get the baby ......of course I don´t want to be a murderer do I......
No, no, no........
its all too much I feel like I have passed a Marathon I think I´m going to sleep a bit and tomorrow i´m going to kill a father......

How do I feel about Sam ? ( The second )

In my last entry I´ve said "silly question" but now I better should say I really don´t know.
I mean I know that I still love him but something was going wrong with us .
The time I realized it , it didn´t make any sense to me .
Three weeks ago he went over to see me every single day and it was all going strong.
But now !!!
Sometimes he doesn´t come to see me for about one week or so and then he also doesn´t reply my messages .
I mean what does this stupid guy think???
I´m too dumb to understand that he is going to split our relationship up..........
I really think so, because he played this sick game all about over five weeks with me and I think, if I don´t have sent him a message which said thats the best idea to split it up, it would last any longer.
Then we would sit in one or two month on my bed and I would say that I love him and then he would smile and say in these sarcastic voice "Of course darling I also love you, your the best thing in my life..."
but in the same moment he thought :
"HAHA what a cute and ingenuous girl.....she really believes that I still loves her HAHA"
BLOODY HELL !!!!
But all in all I just can say that I still love Sam.

And if hes also a pathetic jerk its OK because he will be still MY pathetic jerk.

How do I think about Sam ?

Silly Question =)........

♥I LOVE HIM !!!♥
Hes the best thing that ever happened to me .
It feels like he is a part of myself which I need to survive , maybe my lungs or my heart ........
Yes I think that fits ,he s my heart!!!
I want to be with him in every single minute, yes in every single second and it really tortures me while I´m not seeing him.
I can´t believe it but I really said to Sam that I love him ( normally I´m not the sort of girl who said this to everybody, so I hope you´ll understand why I can´t believe, that I´ve said to a boy "I love you").
In the first moment I wasn´t sure wheather its right to say these incredible three words, but at the moment I´ve said it, I felt that it was the right decision.
Some of you would may ask why I´m so sure of loving Sam.
Good Question.
But how would you call it when you are avid for somebody and it feels like you two were the main reasons for the surviving of each other .
Thats it.
I, Alicia Burns definitely love Sam Jones.♥

Chapter 2

The first thing I thought as I saw Sam was "Urgh...." he was exactly the sort of boys who stood in front of me and make some annoying comments about what I look like, or they had these ambiguous word on their faces.
These are the reasons because I decided to make fun of him and I was pretty interesting how geeky one only boy could look like.
But I should find out that Sam isn´t this sort of boys,he might look like all the others before, but he isn´t.
The time he realized that I was just making fun of him he went of to talk to his mum.
You can´t believe how surprised Iwas at this moment.Every other stupid boy were not moved away but staring at me like I am a trophee or something like this.
I decided to find out what sort of boy Sam is really like , so I gave him my mobile phone number for a meeting at cinema next evening.
The next day we start talking in front of the cinema and we end our conversation in a little restaurant.
There, I really don´t know why, I told him about my wish of modelling in future.
But now I´m really happy that I had said it to him because this was the main reason we slept at the end together.

First Impression of the book (after reading chapter 1)

My first Impression was very good because I like the way Nick Hornby writes.
He writes in a way which is not to boring to read and also which is funny and ironic.
You can imagine the persons he describes very well because he always seems to know what the reader want to hear about the characters .Its incrediblne to see in which funny but also serious way the author describe the things out of the perspektive of an 15 year old boy.
At last I would say that I´m very interested in reading this book.